How to effectively recharge

Give your body, soul and mind a break from the daily hustle in order to get new power and creative ideas for your life. Find in this article some inspiration on how to effectively recharge.

The warmth of the heated towel is wrapping me softly and I gently sink into the relaxation chair. I slowly breathe out. My eyes wander to the snow-covered mountains behind the glass front. The sun is just touching the tip of the granite giant before it settles for the night. My recharge weekend starts.

When was the last time you took time for yourself? Time solely dedicated for rewinding your body, soul and mind. Time unplugged from your daily rush and from your online presence lets your mind and soul settle. Overflow of information can be processed and while doing “nothing” your brain gets the chance to recharge for new creativity.

Let’s dive into some thoughts what could help you to relax.

Change places

As long as you are in your usual environment your brain works on autopilot and you don’t discover new things. You even stay on track what to eat or what to do at what time. When you change your place, your brain is forced to find new ways. You are in explore-mode. And automatically you will “forget” to think about your problems and stress factors.

Work out

Use your time off to move your body. Especially when you are in a job that rather requires thinking than moving, use your time well for some activity. Doing your favourite sport helps your brain relax. Or you find yourself a new activity that challenges you mentally in a different way as you learn new movements.

Let go

If you come from a time of great stress, take some time for your soul to calm down as well, e.g. by journaling or meditation. You probably know that spinning of your mind that continues although you are in the middle of paradise. In that case your soul and mind need some help.

Suggestion No. 1 if your mind is stuck on open to-dos: Take a piece of paper and write down all to-dos that are still bothering you and that you will solve after your return. Put that piece of paper away and tell your brain to relax. It has been taken care of; now it is a decision to lean back.

Suggestion No. 2 if you have trouble with people: Take a piece of paper and start to write a letter – to that person, to a friend, to the universe or to God. Whatever suits you. Write down all complaints, unfairness and bad situations. Let your soul be honest and write as graphic as necessary. Maybe you have to forgive or ask for forgiveness. Write everything down. For sure that letter will never be sent. Nevertheless, just by writing you will feel on how the pressure lifts. (Destroy the letter after finishing.)

Mindfully Relax

Allow yourself some hours – or days – of relaxation. Forbit yourself to work or think about problems. Just be. Look at a sunset, a mountain, the ocean … whatever relaxes you. Give your soul and mind time to unwind. Maybe do a mindfulness exercise by precisely answering the following questions: What objects do you see? What colours do you see? What sounds do you hear? How does the air taste? How would you describe the smell around you? Answering those questions draws your attention to the present. And in the present your body, soul and mind are in the same space. Your thoughts do not wander and you will feel alive.

The goal is to fully get into the present. Let go of the past for a while and don’t think about the future. Just stay in the present. It is the place where you fully recharge and get new power for the upcoming tasks. It calms your brain and by erasing all negative thoughts and stress, you are set into a state of new creativity. In one of the next articles I will share some ideas on how to use that state of mind and the creativity within to create a new vision for the time ahead. But for now: stay present and relax.

Words have power

There are words I will never forget – for good and for bad. The power of words can be used to build people up or destroy relationships – How do you use your words?

Can you remember the first time you heard the words “I love you”!? Your world changed. It felt like magic. That emotion running through your veins was indescribable. Three little words – with impact. Same is true for negative words. Ever heard a “you will never succeed in this”? What impact did it have? Remember that disbelief or disgust from a teacher or trainer? I guess you can still recall that pain those words caused.

There is something in us human beings that we react upon words – regardless whether they are true. Usually we don’t filter. We hear. We feel. We react. Words can hurt like knives. And at the same time words can bring healing and uplifting. It all depends on the speaker.

How can you use this power in your workplace?

When you think of your ideal workplace – how would you like to work with your colleagues? What should be the atmosphere in your team? For example, I enjoy having a team that likes each other. I love to hear laughter and a loud “hey, good to see you! how are you doing?” when people from my team meet each other.

So, what do I do? I model exact that behaviour. I greet my team. I tell them how happy I am that they are there (and I am truly happy that each one of them is in my team!). I use words to express what I am feeling. Otherwise they wouldn’t know. And because they feel welcome, they are at ease and enjoy being around. And from what I am seeing – they are continuing to welcome new people in the team and extend the good atmosphere themselves.

How can you build your team with this power?

Your team consists of individuals. And you have to invest in each person individually in order to get a great team. What do I mean? When you are in a feedback session use the time well to speak potential into your people. Aside from the “well done here” and “please improve there” find time to speak about the future roles and responsibilities you see them in. Specify which strengths you see and where these attributes will contribute to the career of your team member.

When your team member hears you speaking strength and life into his/her life, he/she will start growing. It strengthens his/her self-esteem and self-believe. And that grown person will contribute to the team in the future – consequently the team grows.

How do you know what to speak?

If you are unsure whether you should make that statement let it run through this filter:

  1. Is the statement true?
  2. Is the statement helpful for the other person?
  3. Can you speak it kindly? (meaning: with a kind intention)

If you asked yourself, you would immediately know that you would only want feedback spoken in that way: true, helpful, kind. Yet, very often we tend to be harsh, unfair or angry.

BUT: “I am not a person of words”

Quite often the discussion on speaking to each other hits the “I am not a person of words” argument. Meaning: I don’t want to speak to my team. (I assume you have the ability to speak, so the only reason you do not use this ability is a pure choice.)

You can choose in life whatever you want: speech or silence. But don’t expect people to know what you are thinking. Quite often frustration joins the discussion: “but they should know…” This is based on the assumption that the logic of your brain must be the logic of all brains – especially of your team members. To make that clear: You are responsible to speak your mind. If you choose to stay silent, it will have consequences, e.g. a team that is not doing what you want.

Words have the power to transform your team. So does silence. You choose what you want to model.

Small stuff matters

“Unconditional kindness is the glue that sticks your team together.” If you react with cynicism towards this statement, you might be in the middle of a toxic environment.

Do you know the good feeling when someone does something nice to you that you didn’t expect? The free coffee sponsored by a colleague or that heartwarming compliment given by the cashier!?

As human beings we are wired to feel loved and valued when we receive unconditional and unexpected help. We are more open to bond with someone that has seen a need or wish of us and responded unasked. And that human glue strengthens our teams at work and intensifies the joy of working together.

Knowing this principle we are capable of forming our own comforting environment by investing into our fellow human beings. Their emotional-well-being will increase. And with them feeling better the overall atmosphere will turn positive.

Let me give you some examples of what you can do:

Offer a hand or a ride

Recently, I met some clients in a remote area in the suburbs of my hometown. By the end of the meeting some participants needed to go to the headquarter that is 20 min away by bus. Since I had my car with me I offered them a ride – although I just had met them for the first time. We had a really good talk, I got to know whom they meet next and it was a valuable exchange for both sides.

Sponsor that coffee

I love coffee. And having a deep conversation with a tasty cup of coffee makes my day. I assume that others around me are quite similar. Therefore I never hesitate to invite people for coffee. Usually that behavior is mirrored back at me quite often – so I also get invited for a coffee a lot. Just last week one of my team members smiled at me and said: today’s coffee is on me. What happened with me? A huge smiling “free coffees are the best”. That relationship grew that day. It was a great investment into the team glue.

Thank everyone

Make it a habit to thank people – even for little things like holding the door for you or taking your cup to the cleaning counter. Even if that means a short interruption in the conversation. Your spoken “thank you” signals the other person that you noticed and that you care for what they just did. It is a very small thing – but each time you add some glue to your relationship. Same is true for emails – you are probably never too busy to respond with a short “thx”.

Appreciate people

Especially when you are a team lead make sure to appreciate your people on a regular basis. Despite the cleverness of your team mates, it never gets old to hear a “well done”, “I appreciate your time invest” or “thanks for giving your creativity to the company”. For sure you must ensure to be precise in your appreciation and specify what you mean. Just handing out “appreciated” as a standard answer won’t do the trick.

Personally, I like to write an email or handwritten note to my team members in order to appreciate their investment into the company and our team. It takes some time to think of specific situations and the strengths of each one displayed but the result that I am seeing in my team is worth the invest.

Is there a downside?

Yes. Sadly there is. Since these actions work more or less independent from the intention behind it, a lot of managers have used them as “leadership tools” to grow their own career instead of relationships around them. For a while that works well. Until people realize that they are being manipulated. And then they close down emotionally. Instead of feeling joy when getting a compliment, they react with disbelief and cynicism.

In turn, when these people become leaders themselves they are not capable to do “the small stuff” because they believe that everything in this area is manipulation. Consequently a culture evolves in which people don’t lend a hand, you won’t hear a “Thank you” or get true appreciation.

So, what do you believe: Does small stuff matter?

How do I decide what to do first?

If you already know the common principles of work prioritization, check this article for some new – fun – aspects to structure your work week.

When you have recently graduated you are familiar with the feeling of everything-is-new. There is the first job, the first client, the first tasks, the first feedbacks. Although you had internships in the past, this is another level. All of a sudden you are responsible for what you are doing and which quality you deliver. A feedback is not a nice-to-have-heard-thing anymore but bonus and career relevant.

Having this in mind I would like to comment on a question I got from a colleague several weeks ago: How do I decide what to do first?

My answer will reflect a certain mindset on how I approach work. It might severely differ from your superiors – which is why you should check on their thoughts as well so that you don’t get into trouble when following some of my ideas.

How do I decide what to do first?

The question implies a classical scenario: you have several to dos for the day/week/month and now it is your responsibility to get the job done.

When it comes to prioritization the first thing on every manager’s mind is the classical Eisenhower Principle. Categorize each task in a matrix with urgency versus importance and prioritize your to-do-list accordingly:

  1. Important and urgent.
  2. Important but not urgent.
  3. Not important but urgent.
  4. Not important and not urgent.

For this prioritization the importance and urgency needs to be known – and it usually is set by your superiors. So make sure you have asked them! It is your responsibility to ask for a deadline if you get a task.

In addition, I would like to propose some questions and categories that might be interesting to consider.

Which task adds energy to your reservoir?

We all have our favourite to dos. Find out which ones are yours. Do you love Excel-Spreadsheets? Is Powerpoint always on your quick-access-bar? Do you rather call people than writing emails?

Start assessing your own working behaviour and find out what you really like to do. And then do these tasks whenever you need some energy.

Here is an example: I need interactions with colleagues. If you want to kill me, put me in a room alone. Nevertheless, sometimes I need to work alone – at the client, in the office, while travelling. It’s just part of the job. Since I already know that I am not good at this, I am scheduling necessary calls during those days, so that the lonely working period doesn’t get too long.

Another person might feel only satisfied when the progress of getting things done is visible – then write yourself a checklist and check off everything that has been done. Or someone prefers to start with everything that is hard to do – so that the worst is done quickly.

Whatever it is: check yourself, define your own metric and go with your gut. It is your (working) life and you should own your timing and tasks.

This also implies that you can ask your team lead for work you enjoy. Maybe you like stuff that he/she hates.

Here is another example: I like discussions. I thrive in negotiations. For me an argument is a playfield. At the same time I had a lot of team leads who almost feared conflict or discussion. They tried to avoid them whenever possible. Today, I offer my strengths in this area openly – and usually people who are not fond of discussing are quite happy to have someone in the team do the talking. It’s a win/win.

When are you most effective?

When is your “high” of the day and when are you ‘brainless’? Examine your concentration during the day and put tasks that need high concentration in times when you can focus best.

In my team we call some tasks “brainless execution”. These tasks are scheduled for times of the day when all creativity is gone anyway. Each team member knows these tasks and lets the others know: hey, I am going to do some brainless execution. Good thing: that presentation gets the cosmetic review while the team hasn’t invested the most effective hours of the day.

What do you enjoy doing?

This is quite similar to the energy-question – but not in total. Whilst the energy-question is focused on to dos that are given to you by an external person, this question is focussing on additional tasks that you choose on top with purpose.

Yes, you are reading correctly: find yourself tasks that exceed your have-to-do-list. And choose them wisely.

Find out what you really like doing that is not yet covered by your day2day work: Organize events? Write articles? Research? Programming? Train people? Talk to people?

These topics have the potential to extend your network and train different skills so that you become a more diverse person. Ideally you find them in your workplace because they have the potential to fuel your career. But you can also find them within social engagement or a sports club.

Over time you will get more experienced in organizing your tasks. Make sure that you always own your stuff. Owning in terms of having as much freedom as possible so that you can plan your week. And owning in terms of taking responsibility for your successes and failures.

Toxic! I hate working for you!

Toxic working environment evolve slowly. Weak, self-centered leaders lay the foundation and from there it only takes a few years until people are running away and the P&L is impacted. Check on yourself if you are in the middle of it.

Do you know that boss who never wants to hear your ideas? Do you remember that colleague that doesn’t share all information but rather wants to get ahead alone? What about that team lead that mainly leads by cynicism?

How do you feel when you are around those people?

People do not quit on jobs, they quit on toxic work cultures.

When you don’t like to work for your leaders anymore chances are high that there is an aspect of a toxic work environment involved. Meaning: over time an atmosphere evolved in which people don’t feel valued, welcomed or important. In a more extreme way people would also feel bullied and mistreated. In consequence, they will lose engagement and eventually leave the company. Unluckily, the toxic air creates such a distrust that leavers will not tell you the truth for their exit.

Let’s examine this topic a bit further. How does “toxic” look like? How has it been created?

Your feedback is not welcome

Honestly, no one would really give that statement in a company’s brochure. Not even in the worst of all companies. Yet, people might fear to express what they really think. They might have expressed their ideas in the past but learned by the reaction of their superiors that their ideas are not welcome.

How would you know whether that might be true in your working environment? Check on your own vocabulary whether you have ever used the following sentences: “We already considered that aspect. It never worked in the past.” “Why are you even bothering!? ” “It’s none of your business.” “Don’t you have more important stuff to do?” “Get into my age … then you will see the matter differently.” “Why are you asking this question?”

Even if you think, you have every right to react that way, you must be aware that the underlying message is: your feedback/question is not welcome. And your staff will learn. Quickly.

In addition, if you never hear feedback or troubling questions from your staff, you might be in the middle of a toxic environment. Your staff already is silent. Ouch! Too honest? Too bold?

I am convinced, if your staff consists of young professionals with an academic degree, you should hear questions, opinions and feedback all the time. This is the environment where they are coming from. It’s their natural behavior within university. And if they turn silent in your team and projects, you are in trouble!

Be honest to yourself: Do you still discuss with your young teammates or are they already silent?

To backbite somebody is the primary conflict solution

How are conflicts addressed in your team/company? How often do you go to someone and give direct feedback? It is so much easier to talk about people instead of addressing them directly, right?

And yet, if we as team heads model such behaviour, the team will automatically copy it. In the beginning it might be unimportant topics like someone’s vacation destination or project situation. But quite quickly information regarding failure, bad behaviour or even sicknesses join the conversation. And soon it isn’t only about the share of information but also the expression of opinions. Judgement joins the talk – and soon everyone in the room knows that no one is safe of bad talk behind their backs.

And at that point the atmosphere is toxic. If your teammates don’t feel safe, they will start to protect themselves – by sharing less of themselves. And of what they know. Which leads to the next major aspect of a toxic working environment.

Don’t share your information

Information is like love and laughter – if you share it, everyone has more. Imagine, you share an idea and someone in the group adds a certain aspect and all of a sudden your team develops a new product or service. Only because you add all the puzzle pieces in your heads. Amazing!

At the same time sharing information makes you vulnerable. People might oppose your shared knowledge – or even judge you for sharing that piece of information. Others might use the information to get ahead of you – or even against you.

Depending on the environment you are in, you will feel free and happy to share your information or you will hide and hold onto your piece of knowledge as long as possible.

Unluckily, if you are already in a toxic environment, ‘information hiding’ will be totally natural for you. You will read books and articles of company’s success factors and the key role of sharing information – but you cannot even think of how this could be done in your working environment. You might even think that you are sharing information – considering the 5% given in the last team meeting. But you think everyone who is promoting total transparency must be a total fool.

Considering the environment you are in: you are right. You are doing everything to survive. And you do it well. Congrats. But look around you: your team isn’t growing. In your team meetings is no laughter.

So What!?

You might think “So what!?” – even if I am working in the a similar culture as described… I work in it every day. It pays my bills. I get along. Why even bother!?

The downside of a toxic working environment is that the poison never stops spreading. You probably start with a slightly bad atmosphere but without an antidote it will progress and influence your team and company. Over time you will see the effects in your attrition rate, then in your online reviews as an employer and at it worst it will be played back by your customers. And then it has true impact on your P&L.

If your teammates don’t trust each other, don’t even like each other, you will have weak customer interaction. The client will realize quickly whether your staff values one another. And why should the customer buy from you, if you wouldn’t even buy from yourself!?

What is the antidote?

Truth is: You cannot change people around you, you can only change yourselves.

So let me ask you this: Would you like to work for yourself?

Take your time. And think.

Reflect.

[these questions might support the reflection: Do you think that you promote an atmosphere of trust and respect? What behaviour of teammates let you believe that your answer is correct? What evidence do you have that you create a working environment in which your team thrives?]

I am convinced: You are the antidote. You can be the leader that creates that working environment people want to work in. But it needs your boldness to check on the status quo and the willingness to change if you see behaviour in yourself that is creating a toxic environment. As much as you are the solution – if your team/company is struggling, you also might be the problem.

My job adds value

We all want to have a job that adds value and brings a sense of purpose. Truth is, you need to invest in order to get that job. Here is how:

“I am looking for a job that adds value”, the graduate smiles at me. “I need to feel a sense of importance”, another one agrees. We are having a discussion on why to choose which job and how to emphasize certain aspects. Priorities around payment, working hours, leisure time, sense of purpose, content of the daily doing and so on are thrown through the room. All agree that feeling fulfilled at the end of the day is among the top three for their entry jobs.

Reality Check!

Have you felt fulfilled every day of your studies? How much value added that math test? And haven’t you been working until midnight to get that project done with your classmates?

I see some sort of nodding around me. I am surrounded by high performing students who all did well at school and chose to study a high intensity topic in university – leading them to even study abroad, working in a different language and get acquainted with unknown people from all over the world. Yet, when it comes to their first steps in working life, somehow the expectation shifts to immediate gratification.

As I am mainly working with people in business, let me use this picture from the corporate world: Investment.


investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt/

an act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.

Dictionary

Investment means devoting time, effort or energy in the here and now whilst believing that it will have a result, payoff or impact in the future. In the sense of learning in order to get a degree, it is quite simple to see the principle working. Therefore it is easy to understand, why thousands of students go to university, investing night shifts, saying “No” to a whole lot of parties during their exam phases and pushing themselves abroad – not knowing whom to meet or where to sleep. They all have seen others do it and at the end getting a degree which lead to a job. A job that provided for their life.

The question unanswered is: when do we get to the turning point? When is the investment-phase over and when does the reaping-the-result-phase start?

I think there are two aspects to the answer:

  1. How big do you want your result to be?
  2. Why would you ever stop investing when you know that you will see a result in the future?

The size of the result

Let’s look at the building of a house – if you invest little time in building the foundation, it is only strong enough for a small house. So the size of the foundation will limit the size of your future house. Taking this picture to your education: if you decide that your investment time is over when leaving university, your job options and your future career will be limited to the investment given.

This leads back to the discussion of the graduates in the beginning. If you want immediate results after your graduation, you will probably find a job that requires limited amount of time to be present, but it will also limit your responsibilities and payment. Usually responsibilities are accompanied by freedom of choice and impact in the organization – and with these aspects you are getting into a stage where you feel that you have impact and fulfill a purpose for your company. But the impact and purpose are results that need to be earned by personal investment.

Therefore, if you are not sensing that purpose in your job yet, take a step back and check on people that are longer in their careers than you are. Would their role give you a sense of purpose? If yes, then maybe you are still in your investment phase. I want to encourage you to keep on investing and you will be getting there.

If you don’t see anyone of your superiors as a role model, you might want to consider to invest at a different place. Or you need to create your own role model. Maybe you like your job, but you just want to turn out to be a different type of boss – then invest in your leadership skills and become the leader you didn’t have.

Let’s consider your whole working life: you probably can use your 20s – 60s for university and profession; so roughly 50 years. How many years of investment are suitable for you in order to build a career? A career that has the potential to make an impact and in which you can have a sense of purpose? You choose how long you invest.

Why ever stop investing?

Once you have tasted the sweet result of an investment, you will never want to miss that taste again. Therefore it really does make sense to never stop investing. So while you are reaping from your investment of university in your first careers steps already, continue to invest in your education, skills and mindset.

Find yourself topics in which you want to get better. Acquire relevant certificates for your job, learn how to communicate well, write that article for your company’s newsletter – just to name a few. [For sure the same principle can be applied for your relationships and your body – just to trigger two more major aspects in our lives.]

For which results are you investing? This question leads back to the discussion with the graduates. Although we often associate result with career steps and money, I want to broaden your perspective for the sense of purpose and satisfaction. Once you are settled in your first job and you have learned the necessary basics, check what you want to reap in the upcoming years.

I give you a personal example: I always wanted to have a team that I enjoy working with. I want to get up in the morning and smile because I am looking forward to work with my colleagues on that day.

Did I have that team in my first professional years? Yes, sometimes. But not always. And certainly not because I intentionally invested for that team but rather by chance meeting some nice people on a project (and then investing into the relationship with those colleagues, of course).

Now – roughly 10 years after my graduation – I am in a position where I can invest in people in order to build that team. I can select applicants, hire team members, give them tasks and explain how that task is contributing to the big picture. I can listen to them so they feel valued, highlight their strengthens and give constructive feedback. It’s a daily work that I do – and day by day I see more of that investment bear fruit. And I really enjoy getting up in the morning and work with them!

But – please note – that vision was there in my first year of work. And 10 years later I am in the position to invest into that team. Some results take longer – and therefore I encourage you not to search for the immediate result in your professional year No 1, but rather think of the big picture and find your reason to invest on a broader scale.

Also, learn the skill of investing. The following questions can help you to explore your personal wishes and get a strategic step into your professional future.

  1. Think of what do you want to reap: high salary, good reputation, a great team, sense of purpose at your workplace etc.
  2. Find out where you want to invest: In which people do you want to invest? Which skills do you want to acquire? Which certificates will enhance your career? Which knowledge should you enhance?
  3. And then define how you want to invest: How much time do you want to spend? How much money is your investment worth? Where do you need to be in order to invest?

Have fun exploring and start investing into your purposeful future job that adds value.

Sometimes life sucks

Have you ever witnessed a good friend walking through the aftermath of a disaster? Be it a devastating illness, loss of a loved one or financial ruin – grief is involved. Find out how you can be a good friend in hard times.

“He is dead!” – the horrified scream is reaching my ear. It is 4am in the morning. I am on my phone listening to a close friend. She just lost a close person and the pure horror in that reality is shaking us both to the core. Death. End of all hope. Pure pain.

Aside of weeping there is not much more. What can be said? What are the right words? Immediately I realize that there are no words at all that can picture the emotional rollercoaster that we are in. At the same time we are just connected via phone – leaving no chance to put an supporting arm around her shoulders and squeeze her gently. So what to say!?

“I hear you”, I whisper. “I am feeling with you.”

Have you ever been in such a situation?

Not you but a close friend needs to walk through hell. And you cannot change it. You are a bystander. Somehow emotionally affected – and then again not affected at all. To see a friend in pure devastation and not be able to do anything can be challenging, too.

Therefore, I would like to share a few thoughts on that. Thoughts I draw from the experience of having walked through hell myself and from several experiences when I walked with close friends through their valley of death.

Be there. Listen. And don’t leave.

When the disaster hits, noone is prepared. Whether it is a devastating illness, the death of a close person, adultery of a spouse or financial ruin – when it hits a person’s life, there (usually) was no preparation time. The horror, shock and emotions need to be put in words. So when your friend is in this, give him/her some time to talk. Or sit in silence. Or weep. Or scream. Whatever is needed.

If you are unsure whether you should stay or leave, ask your friend. Or tell him/her, that you will stay in the room next door – so your friend can choose what is needed. The same is true if you are distant – write that sms saying “I am thinking about you.” “Let me know when you want to talk.” “I am happy to listen.”

In general, what really helps is when you make yourself available (as much as possible; it is okay that you maintain your own life, too). People in pure pain don’t know themselves anymore. Everything that was so clear yesterday, is hard to even remember today. On some days getting up, getting dressed and eat even seem unmanageable. So, although you don’t want to force your friend into anything, be a bit proactive and prepare some dinner (although he/she might not eat much) or ask him/her out for a walk.

You don’t need to be an expert

The feeling of being overwhelmed with the situation as a friend very often leads people to the assumption that they are not “equipped” enough to stay in that situation. All these questions in your head “What should I say?” “What can I ask?” “What if I say something wrong?” very often leads to silence and disconnection from the friend in need.

Remember: your friend is in this for the first time, too. You don’t have to be an expert. And you don’t have to find a solution. At best, you are just there – as you would have been, when the catastrophe didn’t hit. And you can be honest, too. Just say “this really sucks“. And then laugh together. What a f***!

You don’t need to Find the answer

Whatever happened – you don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes terrorizing your friend with questions. Same is true for “good advice”. Even if you had been in the same situation, chances are high that your friend lives in a different reality than you did. Your friend needs time to figure out for him/herself.

I really encourage you, to be there and listen. But be very cautious to give advice or to ask “why”-questions. Ask your friend how he/she is feeling. Ask him/her how the day was. What is easy? What is hard? Give him/her a stage to express his/her feelings. In that way you raise the chance for healing and a feeling to be understood.

Every day is different

In times of grief it is amazing how rapidly emotions can change. One day you are not able to see any hope, another day you might have first – crazy – dreams for the years to come.

Therefore, if you are supporting someone in grief, ask him/her how she is feeling. Don’t assume. If you haven’t talked for a day – check on the status quo. And don’t judge – regardless what the answer is. Be there as a friend and listen. For your friend that very listening will mean the world.

Take care of yourself, too

How are you feeling? When seeing a friend suffer it can be extremely overwhelming and stressful. Admit to yourself what the whole situation is doing with you. Start journaling – and put your emotions in words.

Although you are not the one in pain, somehow you are in pain, too. Be honest about it, tell friends yourself. And be gracious to yourself. Pain and sadness draw a lot of energy – therefore it would be quite normal if you need to sleep more and when you are not as powerful at work as you usually are.

I assume when you made it through the article until this point you are or have been walking this road. Let me tell you this: Thank you! Thank you, that you are the friend who is not running off despite the horror. Thank you for walking. Keep on.